??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
