please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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