thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
