Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
