Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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