So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
