I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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