Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I look better un-naked...
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
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