i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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