I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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