The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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