im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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