I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
