tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
My life is pants optional.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
