I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
