i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
