...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
