he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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