Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize