I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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