I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
