I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
