Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
