The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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