she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
