You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
