remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
