If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
