FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
