I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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