You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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