I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
