Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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