my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
