I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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