my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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