Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
