Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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