I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
