Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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