do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
