I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
