Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
