im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
