i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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