mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
