YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
