so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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