my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
worst night to have a conscience
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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