She's JV to your varsity
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I want to have your abortion
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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