HIV tests are more positive than that guy
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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