I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
