Im at strip club and am horny
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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