i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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