Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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