She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
