I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I did not marry a roomba.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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