He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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