i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
