I murdered the dance floor call the cops
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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