I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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