my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
