I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
