Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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