That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
