I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
