Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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